The Sovereign Self

The Black Creek at Coon Fork Lake County Park in Eau Claire County in Wisconsin, located between Fairchild and Augusta.

It seemed fitting to begin by tossing an anchor into the water to set the tone for what this journey in life is all about at its very core: Sovereignty. Self-sovereignty is summed up best as free will in relation to the undeniable realization that you are an independent, autonomous being. Within and without. You control your emotions, your reactions and how you think and speak to yourself as much as others. You have that capability. The choice is whether you decide to use it or not. You can completely sacrifice yourself and offer fealty to society, religion and even an enveloping culture, bowing down with full commitment and worshiping them as your overlord while you participate in the human inclination towards tribalism. Or you can cherry pick your poison, dip your toe into this and that, see what settles into your lifestyle and soul. Alternatively, you can serve yourself first with accountability and kindness, filling your own cup, be it an environmentally taboo plastic one with a straw from Starbucks or a sustainable ceramic vessel that brings gentle beauty to your heart.

I have always been on a journey to claim, or perhaps more fittingly, reclaim my sovereignty whether it was a conscious effort or not. When you are young sometimes you are just soft and gentle. Innocent, curious, pure. So moldable and impressionable. Then the world sinks its claws into you, and you start to allow yourself to become jaded and desensitized with its weight. You cope with what you can, how you can. You go through the different mechanisms and stumble through, finding your way in whatever manner you can manage. Sometimes it's with grace. Most times it's by sheer willpower, grit and luck. Sometimes you are doing it completely alone while at the same time trying to please the tribe. Sometimes the support system is the tribe just as long as you are conforming to the culture and standards society sets. On rare occasion, you have unconditional support and encouragement even if you are going against the grain. That's where the magic really happens in life and you find out who stands for you for the sake of you and not what they can use you for or get from you. Or, even, how you make then appear to others. Ultimately, you are actually always doing it alone. When you realize you are empowered by yourself and for yourself, life changes. People change and it has nothing to do with you or them in relation to one another sometimes. It has a lot to do with where you are each independently at on your respective journeys and realization.

Reflecting on how I found myself lingering on this particular realization I feel good: Solid and capable, controlled and powerful. Accomplished. The sense of clarity and awareness is profoundly simple. Sometimes in the past I have been contrary for the sake of being so, but other times I have my own ethics of what right and wrong is and what I will or will not do about it. Being the devil's advocate comes naturally. It's insightful and boundless to explore all the angles and take everyone along for the ride, be it kicking and screaming or with their full embrace and participation. I like the underdog in a fight and the inspirational story of overcoming high stakes that go with it. I like to get scrapy sometimes. However, I'm learning to be more discerning and truer to my own genuine opinion instead of, simply put, getting scrapy for the sake of getting scrapy for causes that are not my own. This isn't the debate club, after all.

A deeper understanding of my own sovereignty began about a year and a half ago with a book I read when things were starting to feel chaotically out of my control in a less than fun way. “The Mastery of Self,” by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr., spoke to me. Intuitively, loudly and clearly. The sovereign concept was an important stand I made in setting up healthy boundaries with my family, for starters. I was used to giving out free passes. However, matters that were out of my hands encouraged me to envision how I wanted to function in my role within this tribe. There was a good amount of suppressed rage and frustration to sit with, embrace and then push through along with a heavy amount of disappointment.

However, I commanded sovereignty over myself. Alone. Me. I control my words, actions, thoughts and emotions. I learned that I had come a very long way on the path to the truth of my own soul along with activating a sincere pause before speaking or taking action. Some time has passed now and the path that started out with jagged rocks and briars has smoothed into comfortable pea gravel that you can traverse with a good pair of sandals.

In any case, how I carried myself was squarely on my own shoulders. It can be a difficult process any way you slice it, but a powerful and right one in its resolution if you put in the hard work and stick to your own true north. That doesn't mean not hearing anyone else. It means taking in all the things and doing what you know is right in your heart without the influence of others or the responsibilities of saving other people's feelings over your own. I figured out how and what I would do better, and it started with drawing firm lines for myself with others.

Accountability to myself blossomed into some raw, honest expressions of perceptions, feelings and boundaries shared with my family which I was able to set and which I continue to enforce. It brings me incredible peace and has found its way into my other relationships. When I don't have control over much, I can rest assured that I have full control over myself and that is a genuinely peaceful place to indulge with the bonus of an effortlessly level state of mind.

What I wonder is why are we taught in our culture and society to be senseless people pleasers and not respect and love ourselves more? Be all the things for others is preached and forced down our throats with indoctrination in so many places and forms. Sacrifice yourself. Fall upon your sword and become a downtrodden martyr. I wonder though, isn’t that all just some form of vanity? I want to look like I’m a good person and be liked by everyone and it's my pride and badge of honor that I can suffer and still manage to carry on. My own truth and expression aren't important. Let me swallow and diminish myself and be less than who I truly am for everyone else so that it doesn't cause any discomfort or embarrassment for others and their sensibilities even if it validates someone else's poor, repeated behavior.

No. No more of that.

To be clear in closing, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be kind and considerate to others. Of course, the conditioning of such behavior in society is based on good, honorable purpose. Perhaps. Usually. Probably, right? I simply don’t think it should come at the expense of sacrificing yourself. We are all sovereign beings with the free will to choose in all things.